While I write this, I'm pretending that I'm just as influential as Freddie Mercury and that this post will be the equivalent of being in front of 100+ thousand people at Wembley Stadium. In reality its probably the exact opposite. Anyway, there's more to this blog than what I have so far, but for some reason, I'm feeling spontaneous enough to just put it out there now. I have a few other ideas for it and some other stuff I wanted to write beforehand, but I wanted my friends to at least catch a glimpse of it now. I mean there really isn't a perfect time for something like this, especially when I'm putting myself and my brain out there, so my birthday weekend seems like a good excuse to do it. I'm sure the second I put this on my facebook, I'll be second guessing myself, but there's one thing I've learned in all my years: sometimes you gotta say what the fuck, make your move.
Daily Mail -A major power outage, which left more than six million people in California and Arizona in darkness, was caused by a single maintenance worker, it has been revealed. The power cut took two nuclear retractors offline, grounded flights, caused major traffic jams, and trapped people in elevators and fairground rides in both states...The San Diego County Sheriff's department and other police departments told 10news.com that they have received reports of break-ins and vandalism at homes and businesses...APS, Arizona's largest electricity provider, said a utility worker doing maintenance near Yuma triggered the blackout. Authorities say the outage was accidentally triggered sometime Thursday afternoon when an APS worker removed a piece of monitoring equipment at a power substation in southwest Arizona.
You know that feeling when you fuck up real bad at work or you break something that isn't yours and you get all flustered, red in the face, break into a quick cold sweat? One night at UNF, my boss told me to set up the gym for a graduation and put in like 20 rows of 20 chairs in the basketball arena the next morning. Completely forgot. My boss came in, I was just watching "First 48" or something just sitting there and he flipped the fuck out at me. By the time he was done saying "WHY DON'T YOU HAVE THE FUCKING CHAIRS IN THE GYM", I was already sweating. It ended up taking me like 45 minutes to organize the gym, so it wasn't really the same as say...shutting the power off for 6million people. I would have LOVED to have been with this guy when he removed the piece of monitoring equipment and realized how royally he just fucked up. Just watching the color in his face disappear along with the power in two states is hysterical to think about. All I can picture is the kidnapping scene in "Saving Silverman" when he sees he cut the power to the wrong house..
Daily Mail -"This is the heartwarmingly human moment a troop of chimpanzees see daylight for the first time in 30 years. Some of the 38 primates, who had been locked in cages for medical testing, injected with HIV and hepatitis, embrace and appear to smile before taking their first steps outside. Their new found freedom came after a 14 year battle to set the apes free from captivity after being taken from their mothers shortly after their births and brought to a research facility in Austria. Testing on the apes ended in 1997, when the pharmaceutical company behind the research was sold and the chimpanzees were moved to a farm. But the feat of introducing the chimps to the outside world was no easy task after their traumatizing ordeals. The readjustment period took keepers over a decade- implementing careful techniques that slowly made them comfortable venturing beyond their four walls. The footage, first broadcasted by German television station RTL on September 4th, shows two adult chimps staring in wonder at the grassy land that lays before them after the door to their facility opens. The first chimp takes only a few steps outside before turning around and hugging the ape behind him. Overjoyed, they even appear to laugh. Other apes behind them appear hesitant to follow in their footsteps but make their way out steadily, stepping into the grass and exploring their new found freedom together. Keeper Renate Foidl said: 'The chimps are incredibly happy. This is amazing, I have been waiting for this moment for so long.'"
I know I've mentioned how much I love dogs, but I love all animals. (except bugs and insects and shit, they don't count. They're like the Jets fans of the animal kingdom). I do have a soft spot for monkeys and apes and primates, especially after that Nim Chimpsky story, so it got a little dusty in my room when the one chimp hugged the other. The video is fucking mind blowing to think about. Their first time outside??? Crazy. The one problem with the clip I attached was that it's in German, so I obviously couldn't understand a fucking thing that the woman or the guy being interviewed were saying, but I'm pretty sure it was probably something like: "Yeah so these Austrian scumbags took these chimps and injected them with aids cause thats the Austrian norm. Classic Austria, first they give the world Hitler, now they're conducting pure evil medical experiments on innocent chimps after they take them from their mothers right after they're born. Keep it real Austria." That's pretty much the gist of it.
PS- Hey, Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann, how bout those chimps walking around and acting like humans? Keep overlooking that whole "evolution" concept, fucking idiots.
Daily Mail -An amorous couple were forced to put the brakes on their moment of passion after accidentally sending their car shooting through 60ft high roof top crash barrier. The couple from Changsha, Hunan Province, southern China, had driven to lay-by on a rooftop car park for a few minutes of intimacy in what they thought were safe surroundings. And as the loved up pair's clinch began to get steamy, the two decided to keep the engine running on their car so they could make use of the air conditioning. But in the heat of the moment, Qiao Hou kicked the car into reverse, sending it lurching backwards towards a horrifying 60ft drop. The pair were saved from a deadly fall when passers-by were alerted to the screams of 43-year old Hou's girlfriend, Lili Tang, who could be heard yelling terror as the car dangled from the rooftop. Witnesses managed to get to their aid and pull the couple from the car, which was only stopped by its exhaust catching on the broken barrier
The last time I had sex in my car, I left the A/C off, Titanc'd that bitch out, trying to get some Kate Winslet action from the girl I was with. Yeah that 100% backfired on me cause I ended up sweating profusely all over the girl while I was smashing away and, mid-bang, had to turn the car on for the air which ended up setting off my car alarm at 2:30am, girl got embarrassed and nervous someone was gonna come out and that was the end of that. Obviously I learned the very important lesson that the AC needs to be on at all times during car sex. Even if it means plunging a brutal 60feet and dying while fucking
Daily Mail -A motorcyclist survived an extraordinary crash after he was knocked out by a low flying pigeon, accidentally hit the throttle on his bike and accelerated to 140mph- while unconscious. Matthew Brealy, 38, collapsed when the bird smashed through his helmet visor and shattered his glasses as he drove along a stretch of road. But he remained on the powerful 1,000 cc Suzuki GSXR which was sent hurtling a further 200 yards before it plowed into an oak tree. The bike disintegrated on impact...Mr.Brealy suffered two skull fractures with bleeding to his brain, a broken leg, cracked ribs, and a fractured hand following the crash in April...'Police told me afterwards they estimated that the bike had gone from 50mph to around 140mph in a matter of seconds but thankfully for me it happened on a straight road which is why I probably didn't fall off the machine...Police confirmed a pigeon was the caused of the accident. My visor was left with a hole in it and I was covered in pigeon blood and feathers...I am 99% back to normal but I have had to learn to walk again but with the support of my wife Emma, I was determined to get on my feet and back to work'".
I've seen three motorcycle accidents in my life. The first was kinda funny cause the guy just kinda tipped over on his bike at a stop sign. The second was a little nutty cause the guy spun out on an exit ramp but he was ok. The third was absolutely FUCKED cause I saw a guy die. I looked out my window to see him sliding down I-95 on his back after his bike smashed into those barrels of sand separating the highway and exit lane. Safe to say I'm very anti-motorcycle. Anyway, I obviously feel bad for this guy but I would have loved to have been the room when the cops and his wife broke the news to him about how the accident happened. Probably something like this:
Guy-"Did i swerve to avoid traffic or something? Or did I get hit by another car or bike?"
Cops-"Uhhh actually a bird flew into your face and instead of falling off right away, you accelerated 100mph and smashed your bike into smitherines against an oak tree"
Can you imagine how mind fucked this was when he found this out? A fucking pigeon almost killed this guy...A PIGEON. Just proves that motorcycles are just moving death machines and pigeons have no regard for humans in any capacity, whether its shitting all over our stuff or trying to murder us.
Marc Savard in the news today. All of it about what I've know for months now which is unfortunately he'll probably not play hockey again. I don't even enough bad things to say about that cocksucking scumbag Matt Cooke who caused this.
Nate Solder got his rookie haircut, which is hysterical. I'm obviously no stranger to seeing a friend with the male pattern baldness haircut, only that was voluntary.
JD Drew hurt himself while he's already on the DL. They say its not serious, but I really could care less what happens with him. His grandslam will always give him a pass with me. Until I have to watch him strike out looking when he gets back
Yossi Benayoun went the other way to Arsenal. Tough seeing an Israeli leave the team, but with Mata along, he was probably gonna be riding the pine a lot. Gunners also brought on Andre Santos and Per Metersacker
Troy Aikman pretty much wants to stomp out Skip Bayless. Bayless talked about rumors of Aikman being gay in a book he wrote in '95. I'm sure he's not alone in people who want to take a swing at him, which I don't blame them. I could probably get a whole blog out of what I think of Skip, but I'll leave it at that I think he's an asshole
