FIRST TIME MISSING FLORIDA-GEORGIA WEEKEND IN 5 YEARS

Billy Mays knew how to get down for the Worlds Largest Cocktail Party 

Seeing as how North Florida wasn't known for being much of a party/sports school, the best weekend of the year in the four and a half years at UNF was of course Florida-Georgia weekend. Didn't give a shit who won the game, just was trying to get as fucked up as possible tailgating with Big Jon and trying not to get my ass kicked or lost downtown. Just a great time. I was in Jacksonville every year for it up until this year. So feeling nostalgic I figured I'd recap the highlights of my five weekends there, starting with my freshman year to last year when I flew down from NYC:

HOW FUCKING PUMPED IS THIS GUY

Buddy runs out and just snags the Game 6 walk-off home run ball after one of the best World Series games in history?? He's gonna need a tranquilizer to go to sleep tonight. 

Oh and what a game also

FLAG ON THE PLAY: DUI BY BLOWING A .17, FIGHTING COPS, AND BEING GROSS

Daily Mail -"Tisha Conklin, 38, from Bloomfield, Michigan, was pulled over on Sunday morning when she was observed driving her 1998 Jeep Cherokee erratically and following another vehicle too closely. When she got out of the vehicle, she was wearing a rather skimpy referee costume and registered a .17 on and alcohol breath test. When she was brought to the police station to be booked, they asked her if she would  change out of the 'scantily-clad referee Halloween costume' she was wearing..they wanted her to wear prison scrubs instead. Conklin agreed to change and went into the bathroom but apparently changed her mind as she came out 'ready to fight'..'She started swinging at the officer. Blows were exchanged and the officer got hit in the face'" 

Jesus Tish, clean your shit up girl! See this is a big problem I have with girls dressing up like sluts for Halloween. Not all of them can pull it off. Example A: This bitch trying to be a sexy referee. Nothing too outlandish, probably thought something sporty would get her dicked at wherever she was out that night. Problem for her is she failed to realize her gap tooth and one and a half eyebrows was not very attractive

CARLING CUP: CHELSEA @ EVERTON 2-1

I missed the first half of the game because I was being an outstanding employee and helped set up for the "Howl-Ween" party at work. So I was refreshing my phone about 10 times a minute for updates on the game. Very exciting to refresh and finally see that Chels was up 1-0. I get home at halftime, search for the game to watch online. Found nothing except BBC radio calling the game, so I just sat in my room and listened to the game like I was living in 1940. I've listened to baseball and football games but never English football and needless to say it wasn't very relaxing. Like I'm just sitting there starring at the wall and then hear "Turnbull shown a red! Penalty kick for Everton"...NEAT. Then again it was actually kinda neat to hear "CECH SAVES IT! REBOUND! CECH AGAIN!!" without seeing it. Either way, just listening too it was pretty tense. The crowd noise was very clear, could barely hear the announcers when Saha scored. Too bad that didn't matter cause DANNY FUCKING STURRIDGE tapped in a rebound 30 minutes later for the winner. I was starring at my ceiling and just started shooting little kicks into the air and fist pumping. Not sure who called the game, I only caught the analysts name was Rufus and he sounded Caribbean.

game notes:

-none, i didn't fucking watch it

ps-anyone wondering what "howl-ween" was, it was a costume party for dogs..

TRUE OR FALSE: THIS WOMAN BIT OFF HER BOYFRIEND'S SAC

Daily Mail -A woman who admitted to biting off her boyfriend's testicles has been warned she could be jailed. Maria Topp, 44, from Wreckenton, Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, pleaded guilty to grievous bodily harm at Newcastle Crown Court. She bit Martin Douglas, her partner of five years, during a drunken brawl at 4am at his flat in February..Mr. Douglas needed emergency surgery to reattach his genitals after the attack..'On the day in question, there is no doubt they were heavily in drink..There was an argument, a brawl begins and during the course of that, Ms.Topp admits she unlawfully bit the defendants scrotum'..The judge said 'I have no idea what I'm going to do with you..All options are open and that will include locking you up.."

Time out, tiiiiiiiiime out here people. First of all I held my nuts reading the entire article making sure they were safe. Second of all, "she unlawfully" bit this dude's sac off with her wicked snaggletooth? Pretty sure that's never lawful. Third of all and most importantly, HOW THE FUCK DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN. Like nothing about this is adding up. Not gonna lie, before I showered earlier after reading this, I was checking out my cock and balls in the mirror and contemplated the logistics of how its even possible for something like this to happen in a fight. How did this guy allow her to even get her face near his junk to pull any kind of stunt like this? All I could think was that it she did it like how you eat soup dumplings. Cause a scrotum, in essence, could be looked at like a diesel soup dumpling. Oh and how do you even salvage this and attach it back? Last I checked, you can't fix a soup dumpling after opening it. Jesus I'm about to make myself puke. 

MARIO BALOTELLI IS KINDA THE MAN

Night before the biggest game of the season and he almost burns his house down cause he was lighting fireworks in his house. Does he care? No, motherfucker makes a shirt saying "WHY ALWAYS ME", then goes and nets two goals against United at Old Trafford. Awesome. Guy is in with the mafia, crashes his car into a women's prison, gives a homeless man £1000 for no reason, gets pulled over with £5000 to which the cop asks him why he had that kinda a money on him and he answered "because im rich", and, oh yeah, he's banging this..

CHELSEA @ QPR 0-1

Since I hadn't written a Chelsea post in two weeks, I had it all planned out for Sunday. I missed post Everton cause I was wicked hungover during the game, figured I'd wait for after the Genk game to combine them. Then after the raping that was Chelsea winning 5-0, I figured I'd just wait till after QPR and triple up...then I watched the QPR game..

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. I just want to get it out of the way now that what was most frustrating was that Chelsea easily could have scored twice in the second half to win, but didn't. But I don't give a shit what anyone says, the ref, Chris Foyd or whatever that fuck head's name is (he's not worthy of my time to look it up), was a nightmare. Just a disgustingly, inconsistent, joke of a game by the head ref. No one wants to be clean about the PK cause Luiz played the ball wrong. Cool, guy misplays like nine balls a game. But how does he call a PK when Luiz was first contacted in the same manner? What the fuck was that? Just bullshit. The Bosingwa red card was atrocious. Just atrocious. He runs shoulder to shoulder for 20 yards, both players making contact, both tugging, Terry is parallel to the play about 10 yards wide, yet Bosingwa gets sent off for what we can only assume is him being last man back???????????? WHAT PLANET AM I ON????? BULLSHIT! At the very very worst thats a yellow, but should have just been a whistle. I mean SWP got up like he wasn't expecting a foul to begin with. Tells you everything about how soft it was. Now as for my man Didier, they'll show a red for a two footed tackle everyday of the week, but he was at the ball a second and a half before Taarabt and got the ball cleanly and first. Dude is not just gonna defy the laws of physics and alter his momentum to not keeping going forward. Not his fault Taarabt ran into him. But at that point, ref was just out of control. Joke of a fucking game. 

And fuck the FA investigating how Chelsea acted to the ref. Dude was completely out of his element and deserves every bit of criticism he got after the game from AVB. Hopefully the FA clears up what an asshole job of referring it was if they are gonna punish AVB and Chelsea

game notes:

-there's only one game note and thats just throwing it out there that if Anelka had hair, there's no way he doesn't bury that header in the second half

THE SUN SENTINEL IS PLAYING FOR KEEPS!

Had cereal for breakfast tonight and was doing the word search as I was eating. I didn't look at the theme or whatever, but was curious why the word "wino" was a choice. Then as I'm scanning the letters, look where I left my pen...it says sloor! So I look at the theme and its Amy Winehouse. BOOM, roasted.  

(I know the proper spelling is probably slore cause its slut+whore, but still)

HITLER AND JAKE JARMEL HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON

Daily Mail -"They were made for him as his eyesight began to fail as the second World War dragged on. But few photographs of Adolf Hitler in his reading glasses exist because he regarded them as a weakness and believed it would undermine his authority with his subjects. Sixty six years later, they are in the news as they come up for sale in a major auction of the Nazi leader's possessions... Expected to fetch £5,000, the glasses come in their original black leather case with dark blue velvet embossed with the name of Ruhnke opticians in Berlin which made them for him under great secrecy"


Oh ok Adolf, you were worried that your reading glasses would undermine your authority? Not having syphilis, banging your niece, loving golden showers, possibly only having one nut, being addicted to speed, having all three of your sluts attempt suicide including said niece who actually killed herself, or having possibly the most atrocious mustache in the history of facial hair? Yeah it was the glasses that would have made your cronies think less of you

Side note, hilarious that he had the glasses made special and secret for him. Would love to have seen his face if someone got the same pair and pulled an Elaine Benes like when she punked Jake Jarmel

COWBOYS ENTER THE BRADY SKULL ZONE; GET PRIMAL'D ON

When you see Brady giving a classic Brady primal scream, there's a good chance the other team is losing. Think the last time the Pats went down and scored a TD to win the game when they were losing with under two minutes was the opening Monday night game against Buffalo in '09. Brady crushing another teams heart was long overdue. 

Oh and people saying the Cowboys should have thrown the ball and not run it just to give the ball back to Brady.. Dallas is 2-2. Tony Romo had a hand in all decisions. So you could say it was 50/50 he made the right play. Throw in a false start on third really think letting him drop back on 3rd and 18 was a good call with the game on the line? Even 2nd and 12 would have been pushing it. Very happy Jerry Jones doesn't own the Pats

THESE PICTURES KIND OF MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE

Daily Mail -The famous original had 11 workers in flat caps precariously perched on a steel beam 800ft above the ground. But in 2011, these construction engineers in London swapped vests for high visibility jackets and safety harnesses as they ate out on a 755ft tall building. The photo- modeled after Charles C Ebbets famous 1932 original 'Lunch atop a skyscraper' - was taken by Michael Crompton as he worked on the Heron Tower in central London last year...The original was taken in New York on the 69th floor of the RCA building as it neared completion.."

Never really considered myself to be afraid of heights, at least not like my father who I've seen sweat profusely when he gets on the ladder to get papaya's from the tree in our backyard. Thing is only like 8 feet off the ground. But seeing the old picture of the dudes with no harnesses, including one guy drinking whisky??? Fuck.That.Shit. I'm nauseous just looking at these guys, harness or no harness

THE MOST UNFORTUNATE THING ABOUT THE REDSOX THIS OFFSEASON IS THAT THE OWNERS CAN'T LEAVE ALSO

Honestly there's way too much to say to cover this whole fucking mess. I said weeks ago that Francona needed to go. Not cause he "lost the locker room" or whatever, but because he wasn't making good decisions. More importantly, Theo needed to go also. Guy gets a free pass to just spend money on who ever he wants and he fucking sucks at it. Don't get me wrong, in terms of building up an organization's farm system and drafting, he did a solid job. Problem is, they don't want to play their prospects. God forbid they take a season to play young guys and maybe sacrifice a season finishing third. I mean will Reddick and Kalish ever play for the Sox for a whole season? Doubt it. The owners want to spend on free agents and thats a huge asset for them, so hopefully they find a GM thats gonna spend the money wisely. Not give 5mil over two years for Bobby fucking Jenks and Dan Wheeler or that asinine contract for that bum/loser John Lackey. Get guys that you know can help, or give the young bloods a chance.

As for all the bullshit "leaking" to the media from a "team source". If anyone wants to know who the team source is, just take a look at the asshole raising his finger in the picture. Just absurd that this happened. The naming players for drinking and playing video games and what not is one thing, I kinda agree they should be called out like this. But talking shit about Francona like that? Total horse shit. Why even say it? Doesn't accomplish anything except making the owners and the team look more unlikable. 

Great time to be a Sox fan!

GUY CONFRONTS MAN OVER HOW HE TREATS THE MANS WIFE. GUY GETS TAKES ARROW TO THE CHEST

Daily Mail -"Police are investigating the death of a man who was shot in the chest with an arrow after arguing with a man over his wife. Tony Bittinger, 43, from Fort Hill, Pittsburgh, died 'fairly immediately' after he went to the house of a 38 year old with a weapon and confronted him over the woman on Sunday...Police said  Mr.Bittinger went to the mans home in the 7000 block of the Lincoln Highway with an unspecified weapon to confront the man over the way he treated his own wife. The two began to argue and the man went into his home to retrieve his compound bow. The man asked Mr.Bittinger to leave his property, but he refused and 'continued to approach' him, according to the news release. It was then that he shot him...The coroner said he died after the arrow punctured his lung and filled his heart."

Sorry if I'm being a wise ass but what the fuck does "filled his heart" mean? Isnt his heart already filled with blood? I'm assuming they meant filled his lungs, but whatever. The point I want to make is about the guy merking people with a bow and arrow. Thankfully I've never had a gun in my face before and I'm not gonna pretend I'm a bad ass and I wouldn't piss myself if that happened to me. But from stories I've heard and what I've seen on TV and shit, just cause there's a gun in your face, doesn't mean its loaded or the person intends to use it. But I'm pretty sure when some redneck is getting confronted about the way he treats his own wife no less, and he loads up his compound bow and aims it at you, he's gonna shoot you with it. Like, do you want to know what I'm doing if someone aims a compound bow at me? Running away really fast. So two lessons can be learned from this story: 1.Don't get in another mans business when it comes to his wife. 2. When a dude gets a compound bow and tells you to leave, you leave.

Oh and just cause I saw this picture when I was looking up pictures of compound bows and I've been on a huge breast kick lately..

SARAH MICHELLE GELLER/ JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S TITS, TWO WORDS: WOW

Just not fair. This pic doesn't really do Hewitt's rack justice, but they are pretty phenomenal. Also, scene with SMG in her jean shorts are ridiculous. If I could choose five things to come back as in a next life, one of them would be her jean shorts. 

Also want to mention something else about the movie since I turned it on right before this part. When they leave that woman's house after using her phone, they are just sitting in the car and the woman comes up and legitimately pounds on the window and screams "HEY!!!!" to get their attention. Pretty sure that a simple knock on the window would have done. If I were JLH, not only would I have shit my pants if someone scared me like that, but I'd definitely run her over with my car. Totally irrational

PHIL SIMMS AND JIM NANTZ SET "FELLATIO WHILE COMMENTATING ON FOOTBALL GAME" WORLD RECORD

I know I say this about a lot of commentators, but I was really impressed with the way Jim Nantz and Phil Simms were able to swallow so much of Antonio Cromartie and Darrelle Revis's cum and also call the game. Second half starts and he gets dominated by Deion Branch for a TD and either Simms or Nantz says that "he can't be blamed"...uhhhhh yeah bro, he can. He wasn't within 5 yards of Branch, how can he not be blamed for getting worked over like a little bitch?

Also, for those "Revis Island" losers/Yets fans, I'd love to hear your thoughts on what Revis' role was during Welker's 73 yard pass play. Cause either the whole "I don't get help over the top or need to double team" shtick is bullshit or Welker beat him like a red headed step child. Let me know.

PS Revis holds like a motherfucker

TRUE OR FALSE: THIS WOMAN IS GIVING BIRTH IN AN ART MUSEUM AS A PERFORMANCE

Daily Mail -A pregnant performance artist is planning to have her baby in an art gallery in front of an audience as part of a work about childbirth. Marni Kotak will spend the next five weeks at the Microscope gallery in Bushwick, New York until the baby, her first, comes..She told the post 'I hope that people will see that human life is the most profound work of art, and therefore, giving birth, the greatest expression of life is art in the highest form.'"

Answer is unfortunately true. Really lady? This is performance art? I guess I understand her reasoning that its the "highest form of art" cause humans and the body and shit is wild, but how bout the fucking balls on this woman for thinking her giving birth, as a "performance", in public is ok? Newsflash: if you want to give birth in front of strangers or if you want to see a strangers vagina all ravaged with a baby coming out with all sorts of other nonsense and shit coming out, you are BAT SHIT CRAZY AND NEED HELP. Get the fuck out of here with that. I'm not doubting that when my future wife gives birth, I'll be in the room, cause her vagina is essentially my vagina and its my kid, but you won't find me delivery room hopping checking out everyone else's mess. Nothing artsy about it.

BANNER NIGHT IN BOSTON

Seven of the best weeks of my life was watching the Bruins with the Stanley Cup. Almost indescribable.  Starting with game 4 of the Canadiens series, I drank a four loko for every game. Pretty sure my brain was not functioning properly for the rest of the playoffs. Beating the scumbag habs was amazing. Game 7 against Tampa was three of the most intense hours I've experienced. I had a J rolled and probably hit it twice during the game I was so tense. For the finals, Elpres summed it up better than I could with his "WELCOME TO BOSTON MOTHERFUCKER" blog. Vancouver were such unlikable dirtbags and pussies, it made beating them on their ice so much sweeter. Anyway, just incase anyone forgot..

Here's hoping every loser from Vancouver that was outside for game 6 will enjoy watching the Bruins raise their Stanley Cup banner tonight

THIS ALEXIS TEXAS LOOK-A-LIKE IS ON TRIAL FOR KILLING A GUY WITH ONE PUNCH

Daily Mail -"A 22 year old woman who allegedly killed an aspiring rap singer with a single punch for a $5 party bet has gone on trial this week. Tiffany Startz is fighting reckless conduct and battery charges after John "Fatboy" Powell, 25, died from a single blow to the face. He allegedly accepted the money when a partygoer named Jimmy Mounts, 27, offered $5 to anyone who could take a punch form her. Defense attorney Ira Goldstein argued in his opening statement that Ms.Startz had not broken the law because both sides agreed to the punch and she has no fight training...A mobile phone recording showed him staggering back as 20 people watched, before he said Ms. Startz could punch well and then collapsed...An autopsy ruled that he had died from a brain hemorrhage caused by blunt force trauma.."

I mean chalk this up as reason #398 why you never volunteer to get punched in the head. Death. How fucking stupid do you have to be to let someone take a free shot at your face?????????? Never understood people who did this cause 12 times out of 10, you're gonna regret it. It's obvious this guy saw what a dime this broad was, figured he'd prove how tough he could be and then use the whole...five dollars...he won and buy her a drink after taking her punch, get her boozed up then use his rap/tough guy swag and bang her? No clue. I'd let this chick do a lot of things to me for five bucks, but making my brain bleed is not one of them. 

AT LEAST RAYS "FANS" GOT TO ENJOY TWO GAMES THIS SEASON

Easily the best part of this series was the announcer pointing out at the end of the game last night that this was the "first sell-out for the Rays since opening day." Hysterical. The last night of the season, arguably their biggest game in franchise history, had like 4,000 people there. Shit is pathetic. Seriously, how many games do you think the pig in the picture above went to this season? Just todays? Probably. On another note, its not so easy when you're playing teams that are actually trying, is it?

ps- pretty sure Adrian Beltre just cemented himself as a keeper on my team for fantasy next season

CHELSEA @ BOLTON 5-1

SUPERRRRR FRAAANKKKKK! I knew it! I knew it all along! I've said since the start of the season he'd find his form. Perfect game to do it cause Bolton is fucking pathetic. My biggest thing is whether this is Frank getting into Frank form, or this just a week long streak he went on. Cause the international break isn't helping his cause by sitting around. Then again, pending on whatever the line up is for the England team is, if he doesn't play, it could just add to the chip he's probably building on his shoulder. 

game notes

-The second goal was a textbook FIFA '10 goal, when it was possible to just one touch every pass up the field and get it into the box. Perfect team goal, pretty sure there were two other guys besides Lampard who were ready to score

-Serious question, has anyone seen Danny Sturridge smile? He's got a permanent scowl on his face like someone is banging his sister. Brah, fucking enjoy yourself while you're playing well for fuck sake

-Speaking of Sturridge, understandable he's trying to get a hat trick against his former team, but he had a couple chances to feed Didier and just didn't even bother looking his way. I could see it getting to Drogs, but was reassured he didn't really care when he kept trying to get Sturridge the ball late in the game. 

-Anyone who follows these Chelsea write up's (which is no one) might realize that I didn't have one after the Valencia game. I decided I'd pull a Kalou and just not even bother trying (even though I still didn't see a handball).