"TONIGHT ON THE FACTOR- I STALK MY EX-WIFE"

Daily Mail -"Fox News anchor Bill O'Reilly used his police contact to have his former wife's new boyfriend investigated by officers, it has been reported. After the couple allefedly separated and his wife of 15 years started seeing a Long Island police officer, Mr. O'Reilly is said to have pulled strings to have the man officially investigated and warned to back off. Sources claim officers were instructed to collaborate with private investigators to dig dirt on Mareen McPhilmy O'Reilly's new boyfriend in the hope of Mr. O'Reilly donating money to the police department in return for the favor...an officer named Richard Harasym, from the Naussau County Police Department, was last summer asked by his commanding officer Neil Delargy to launch an investigation into Mr. O'Reilly's wife's boyfriend. He was reportedly told to meet two private detectives already on the case finding out information about the NCPD officer and then warn him to end the relationship.. It is alleged that the order came directly from the police commissioner at the time, Lawrence Mulvey, for whom O'Reilly was said to have been considering making a major donation to the Nassau County Police Department Foundation.."


I've always been somewhat of a fan of Bill O'Reilly. I turn on "The Factor" every now and then to see what he's rambling about, who he's shouting at or who he's talking over. When I first saw the headline I was like "what is Bill doing? Guy is just gonna embarrass himself even more than he does on a weekly basis on his show cause his wife left him?" Then I saw the picture of his wife and him together and it all made sense why he's sending recon missions out on her and her new man. How on earth does he pull that kinda tail? Standing next to her makes him looks even more ugly than he already was, which I didn't think was possible. I'm not surprised how pissed he is, losing a cougar like that. Plus, he does have that "i'm a bitter old man who would hire PI's to threaten his ex's new man" look and attitude. I guess I got to give him some props cause this is pretty ballsy move for a man in his position with a TV show and shit. Even money says he blew this whole thing when he tried to offer this Officer Harasym one of his O'Reilly jackets as compensation

BOSTON SPORTS AND LESS IMPORTANT SPORTS LINKS

Bout fucking time

I'm not giving a link to the story cause its too sad to read at the moment, but I was pissed to see James Sanders get cut. Definitely one of my favorite players over the last couple seasons and a pretty good ballplayer overall. He didnt really get much run in camp, so I'm hoping they bring him back, but either way, tough to see him get let go

Brandon Spikes and Mike Wright are finally back at practice. Thank fucking god to hear that about Spikes. Wright too, but with what was added to the DLine, I think its a much bigger deal to have Spikes back. Wright seems on the bubble to me

Sox-Yanks start tonight. I like the pitching match ups for the sox for the three games and taking 2 of 3 would be huge but they'll probably sweep them

Amazing the stuff going around about Ochocinco's start in New England. He gave an interview today, ESPN's headline was optimistic and boston.com's headline was the complete opposite. I'm not sure I get why people are reading so much into it. If anything, you could say he's had a better camp than Branch since 85 has actually had a catch and touchdown, but in reality its irrelevant until the season starts, so talk to me when he's got 10 TD's.

other stuff:

hardballtalk talking AL rookie of the year today. I'm pretty biased since I've been following Michael Pineda since mid season last year, so he's my boy. But who gives a shit about WAR and all those other bullshit stats, just go with who was the best player out of the rookies. Pineda is my pick

Bruce Pearl got a job with a Tennessee grocery company today. He got banned for recruiting violations and shit last season so the NCAA gave him the boot for three years. He's now the VP of marketing which I think should suit him since he bullshitted himself a top team at Tenn the last few seasons

The Sun is reporting that Arsenal are closing in on Chelsea's Florent Malouda. My only real problem with this is that some scum United fan at the pub said Chelsea would sell him and I said there was no chance. I don't want to hear his "I told you so bullshit" even though I'm certain he had no clue. I still don't think they'll sell him.

THIS SKANK JUST GOT KARMA SHOVED RIGHT DOWN HER THROAT

Syracuse.com -"Onondaga Count Judge William Walsh, who underwent surgery for prostate cancer last year, was indignant today when Kristen Seamens' lawyer asked that she released from jail while she awaits trial. Seamens, 21, of Cincinnatus, Cortland County, is accused of faking breast cancer to solicit donations of cash. She took in $1,100 at a fundraiser that relatives held in July 16 at the Pompey Rod & Gun Club, state police said...LaRose (Seamens' lawyer) requested Seamens be released pending trial on charges of fourth-degree grand larceny and first degree scheming to defraud...'Do you know how many people are affected by cancer? Virtually every family in America is affected by that disease. I just went through it. Bail stands'".


Remember the last episode of Seinfeld when the judge for the four of them was Judge Vandelay, the alias that George used throughout the show? That is pretty much what happened to this whore, only she got it ten times worse and justifiably so. It takes a pretty sick and low person to fake cancer just take pocket fundraiser money. Like what on earth was this bitch thinking when she did all this? I wonder if at all she thought that this was ok and people wouldn't really give a shit if she got caught. My guess is that she just watched Arrested Development and thought she could pull a Maeby/ Shirly Funke and pull in giant checks. Only she went and played the cancer card like fucking idiot and not a made up disease like "B.S." like Maeby did. Not to mention, scumbags like this don't watch epic shows like Arrested Development, so it just proves she made it up on her own like a disgusting asshole

*i was just re-reading this and i knew the girl in the pic looked like someone i've seen on TV and it just hit. She looks like Vito Spatafore's kid in The Sopranos..

SHOULD I REALLY BE IMPRESSED WITH UNITED SCORING 8 GOALS?

It was the hot topic Sunday afternoon that United put in eight goals against Arsenal in an 8-2 win. I was actually surprised at how the commentators of the game were speaking with every ManU players dick down their throat, but its like that for everyone who does broadcasting on the EPL. I get to hear it even worse cause for some reason they all hate Chelsea, so when the two of them play, its a United dick sucking feeding frenzy. Anyway, back to my point. Is scoring eight goals impressive? Definitely, but is it really that impressive when almost 90% of the league would have done it also? Nevermind that if RVP actually took his PK like a man that the complexion of the game would have been totally different. Arsenal fielded a team without four of its top players, including two defenders. It's obviously their own fault for not being prepared with the right depth, but I'm not gonna sit here and talk like United destroyed a team like Madrid or Barca. Even at half-time I was thinking Arsenal wasn't out of it. Not including the PK, they had two or three other chances that they should have finished. Then started the half with two golden opportunities to draw level and just didnt do it. If anything, ManCity putting five on Spurs at White Heart Lane is way more impressive to me. On the road, scoring all quality goals on a squad at full strength, not combining skill with the opposition beating themselves and then giving up all together. Just calling it how I see it.

Oh it is pretty awesome to see those slimy Gunners in such a bad way right now. Punks

HELLS ANGELS SUING FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT IS SO UN-HELLS ANGELS

Daily Mail -"Hells Angels is suing over a T-shirt that uses the notorious biker gang's name. The statement tee by LA based T-shirt label, Wildfox, reads 'My boyfriends a Hells Angel.' Not only is the slogan grammatically incorrect but, more seriously, it has raised the ire of the gang by directly violating the group's trademark..The T-shirt maker did not seek the correct license from the group before using its name in the design. Amazon.com is also being sued for selling the T-shirts, which retail for around $60." 

I'm pretty sure the first thing people think about when they hear Hells Angels is a bunch of hard ass no nonsense dudes, just fucking shit up, riding in packs looking for trouble. Total disregard for the law and enforcing their own rules, looking to stick it to the man and not deal with the governments bullshit. The last thing I'm thinking is that when a problem arises, they'll just contact their lawyers and have "the man" handle their work for them. I've only seen one episode of "Sons of Anarchy" and I think I saw one group of bikers rape the wife of the leader of another biker gang, which resulted in someone getting shot in the face. Is that not realistic? The real problem though is that awful shirt is actually $60.

CHELSEA V NORWICH 3-1

Unlike all the naysayers and media who chalked this up to a fortunate win, I think it was a pretty good result. Chelsea always will get the other teams A-game, why are people surprised that they get played tough? Most the game was pretty even, Chelsea let them hang around, but really was a matter of time before they scored again after their first goal. Hard fought and solid win, all three goals were well deserved and scoreline reflected it

Game notes:
-Bosingwa had time to eat a sandwich and have a pint before going demolishing that laser of a goal off the post and in the net. With five midfielders for Norwich, not sure how they'd let him so wide open, but it was a great goal
-I got nervous anytime Hilario was near the ball, but he made some good plays. The goal given up was a flukey play with a great finish. Just didnt seem like he had any communication with Ivanovic on the play, which he needed to be sure of for coming off his line so boldly on that play
-I think the red card to Ruddy when he tripped Ramires was deserved on that play alone, but it was definitely a yellow and should have been his second for his double fist punch to Drogba's temple. Seriously though, if you get a yellow for shooting after the whistle, why not for a reckless challenge on that type of play? Just no way he could make a play on the ball. I had to bite my lip at the pub listening to those scum United fans laugh at Drogba getting hurt. Buddy landed nose first on the ground, not too funny. But it was definitely a red, he missed the ball was the only man left and all Ramires had to do was  tap it in if he got by (I literally cringed at Ramires' turbo touch that Ruddy some how missed)
-Good thing for PK's cause Lampard hasn't done shit all season besides that. I get that he's a legend there, but AVB is gonna have to sac up and pull him during these games and give McEachran some run or find someone with some legs under him. Tough call for sure, but if a player isn't effective, a move has to be made
-Juan Mata and my boy Lukaku look like they are gonna be no joke. The pace of the game completely changed when the two of them and Nico came on the field. Just reinforces that AVB needs to find the right team to field and get the chemistry right for the players he plans on using on a regular basis

WOAH WOAH WOAH, THESE DUDES ARE CHICKS?

Daily Mail -A hit and run driver got more than he bargained for when he took on wrestling sisters. Brittany and Brienna Delgado managed to tackle the driver as he tried to flee the scene of the accident and kept him under their control until police arrived on the scene in Oklahoma City last weekend..'My sister and I are very proficient wrestlers and also played football in high school, so we know about tackling'..The two siblings were riding in a car driven by their grandmother when it collided with another vehicle. It was when they tended to their injured grandmother that they noticed the driver of the other car running from the scene. Brienna, 19, immediately gave pursuit, taking the man down and quickly yanking his hands behind his back- a move known as the double chicken wing...Brittany first became interested in wrestling when she was three years old. Eighteen years later, she is a two-time national champion in the Women's College Wrestling Association and former offensive lineman for her high school football team. Following inher sister's footsteps, Brienna also began wrestling at an early age and played safety on the football team.


Not to be harsh, but the paper meant brothers right? Cause the only thing stopping me from calling this a farce is that the older sister has her hair down and somewhat resembles a girl. I mean could Brienna have a more butch picture of her for this story? If the article didn't say they were sisters, I would be 100% she was a guy. I mean yeah, she double chicken winged this guy and probably wanted to have her traps flexed ultra huge in the picture the paper used, but cmon girl! Follow your big sis, let those locks flow so we can appreciate two broads dishing out some street justice, not have people doing double takes at your picture cause they think you fight in the UFC and look like Brady Quinn

SOMEONE PUT A BULLET IN MY BRAIN IF THEY EVER SEE THIS WASP NEAR ME

"Daily Mail - It sounds like the stuff of nightmares. A wasp that supplements a vicious sting with jaws longer than its front legs. But this is a very real newly discovered warrior wasp found on the remote Indonesian island of Sulawesi. Dubbed the 'komodo dragon' of the wasp family, the males of the species measure two and a half inches long..Luckily the species prefers to dine on insects, but if threatened, it could leave a sizable mark on human flesh too."

Yeah, not even kidding if this thing was within 30 yards of me, I'd be screaming and running away like a six year old girl. That story about the bees on the Russian plane seems like a walk in the park compared to encountering the komodo wasp. Jaws longer than its front legs? Get the fuck out of here, I have the willies just thinking about that fucking thing being near me

MIKE FLORIO IS AN ASSHOLE

Hi, I'm Mike Florio and I'm a dickface.

PFT -"So how does an NFL head coach who's trying to cram five months of work into five weeks spend  one of the precious remaining evenings before the first game of the regular season? Apparently by going to a Lil Wayne concert. That's precisely what Chiefs coach Todd Haley did last night, presumably while the rest of his was grinding away in order to get ready for a visit from the Bills and former Chiefs offensive coordinator Chan Gailey on September 11th...its hard to imagine any other NFL head coach going to a concert less than three weeks before the start of the season, especially after a lockout in which there were multiple weeks that featuring a lot less work than usual, and thus, more time than usual to do non-work things. This doesn't mean that NFL coaches should have lives away from the sport, but the Chiefs have two preseason games left and a regular season game in less than a week, to cap off an offseason in which the lockout has made it even harder than usual to get ready to compete.

I try not to pay too much attention when talking heads and "reporters" give their opinions on anything to do with sports, cause its usually just a bunch of bullshit and them thinking they know shit that they dont. They just want to get people talking, stir the pot, get page views and comments and all that nonsense. Usually I can brush it too the side and just don't pay attention but this story I couldn't let go. Mike Florio from Profootball talk is a fucking idiot for writing this column. Just makes absolutely ZERO sense to write it unless he got dared to do it, lost a bet, or just has it out for Todd Haley. To save myself from going on a violent verbal rampage, I'll just calmly list all my problems with this asinine article:

-Instead of spending 3 hours at a concert and he went to the movies with his kids, would it have been a problem?

-How does Florio know what the rest of the coaching staff was doing to justify saying they were working hard while Haley wasn't?

-Haley went to the concert with Brandon Flowers, would Florio like to call out Flowers for not spending the night like his teammates getting prepared?

-Any comment on Belichick having Bon Jovi at his practice and whether Belichick isn't preparing appropriately since he has singer there to distract him?

Plain and simple, this is just bullshit that he actually is trying to make a story out of this and is calling Haley out for not preparing good enough. Lets see him call out Raheem Morris for taking the team to the movies instead of practicing ONE day, three years in a row. How about Belichick taking the night to bring in Mickey Ward to watch "The Fighter" with the team? Is it ok that the whole team was together while not preparing good enough? Just ridiculous. I was fed up with the bullshit Albert Haynesworth articles where he compared what Haynesworth did and Roethlisberger raping two girls and that Bert should be suspended just as long. What a fucking joke. After that, one of the other assholes on the site wrote about why Tom Brady isn't as liked as much as he probably should be in New England. I seriously thought that was written sarcastically, but they were dead serious about it. I'm pretty sure I'd take a bullet for Brady and so would most other people who love the Pats. He is one of, if not the most, appreciated Boston sports athlete since I've been alive. This is only the offseason and its been filled with bullshit from these guys, just absolute horseshit writing and stories. Praise Jebus for Mike Reiss.

GUY STABS HIS NEIGHBORS CAUSE HE THOUGHT THE WORLD WAS ENDING. PRETTY RATIONAL THINKING

Daily Mail -"A naked madman who stabbed five people on a rampage with a six-inch kitchen knife in New York was driven to distraction by the East Coast earthquake, it has been reported. Christian Falero, 23, went banging on his neighbors' doors in Washington Heights before viciously stabbing one elderly man to death and attacking four others, including three women aged between 60 and 85. The young man, who then turned the blade on himself, is said to have felt the tremors and gone crazy as a result...'When I looked through the peephole I saw the fellow running back and forth naked..'"

When I read the article this morning, they didn't have the stuff about this dude going nuts cause of the earthquake, just thought he was going door to door and stabbing people. Like ding dong ditching, only with stabbing. I had all this shit about how this is another reason to hate the "pop in" from Seinfeld. Then the article updates and it actually gives a motive and backstory and more details. Now they are saying this guy flipped the fuck out cause of the earthquake and it drove him to go door to door stabbing his neighbors? Fair enough, but the fact the guy got naked before he did this leads me to believe he was a ticking time bomb for a stabbing spree, dude just took the pussy way out and blamed Mother Nature. Nice try Christian Falero, but I know a psycho nut bag when i see em, and you my friend are a type A psycho nut bag

TURBULENCE AND BEES, TYPICAL RUSSIAN FLIGHT

Daily Mail -"Passengers on board a Russian airplane panicked when two swarms of bees escaped into the cabin. The insects were kept inside two large cardboard boxes that had been stowed in one of the Moscow-bound Boeing 757 jet's cupboards..The bees were allegedly being transported at the behest of a senior airport official..the official had asked the trafficker to carry the boxes to Moscow where he would be met at the airport..Official airport documents quoted one of the business class passengers as saying that the trafficker was 'slightly drunk'.." 

Woah woah woah the trafficker, a Russian, was "slightly drunk" on an airplane? Get right out of town! Seriously though, bees? Not only bees, but bees in the overhead? Fuck that, if I was a passenger and a swarm of bees emerged from someones suitcase, I'd sprint to the bathroom and not leave so fast it'd make your head spin. I don't do bugs and insects and shit, especially if I have no place to run away too. 

MY GIRL LOHAN AND HER TITS DESTROYED KIM KARDASHIAN'S "WEDDING"

El Pres on Barstool wrote a blog about this fucking wench Kim Kardashian earlier today and I couldn't agree more with what he said. The woman is such an attention craving whore its infuriating. She gets plowed by some asshole rapper, shows it to the world and all the sudden she's got perfumes and shit, her own show and people actually caring about her life. Would anyone give a shit if she got married if she didn't film herself blowing some guy on camera? The sad and terrifying thing is that people actually do care. That's why it was refreshing to see Lohan not give a fuck, wearing white to the wedding and putting her tits right in everyone's faces. Think she didn't know what she was doing when she got ready for this wedding? I could go on and on about what a sham this wedding is, but I'll just let LiLo's pictures do the talking for me

MANAGEMENT COMPANY WANTS WOMAN EVICTED AFTER SHE DOMINATES THEM BY ONLY HAVING TO PAY $400 A MONTH FOR FANCY CONDO

This is the desirable West Village apartment block where a 63 year old woman is set to live on a rent of only $400 a month for the rest of her life after she married an 87 year old man a month before he died. Sarah Berman is entitled to stay in one of the buildings exclusive condominiums for the peppercorn rent after she wed elderly tenant Stanley Lowell in September, just weeks before he passed away...The building's owner, Fourth FGP LLC, is asking a Manhattan Supreme Court judge to allow it to evict Ms. Berman who it accuses of 'gamesmanship, seduction, and artifice' to get her husband and his flat. Court papers accuse her of tricking her vulnerable husband into marriage 'to wrongfully procure procession rights to the apartment'. Neighbors have said the elderly man was 'out of it' at the end of his life and that Berman is a bad tenant...'She used to get into violent arguments with some of the guys in the building' another told the newspaper..Residents said the couple, who had been living together since the early 1990s, never acknowledged each other in public and had loud arguments..The landlord claims Mr.Lowell 'lacked the mental capacity to understand the nature, effects and consequences of the purported marriage'".

Looking past the fact that this woman is probably bat shit insane, this is how you gold dig folks. Not like that moron who fell for the 600 pound man and then ended up having him murdered. Ms. Berman knows how to play the game. My apartment in the Upper East Side was $2,000 and my bedroom was 9X10. $400 a month for that condo in the West Village? Are you kidding me? Let me give you a small list of people I would marry and sleep with to get a $400 a month condo in that neighborhood: Eva Braun, Barbra Bush, Charo, and that wicked ugly chick Marla Hooch from "A League of Their Own". Just absurd what a bargain that is. I'm not even sure bargain is an appropriate word to use in this situation. More like a figurative mouth fucking this guy was giving to the landlord/ management comapny only paying that much. Speaking of the landlord, talk about sour grapes. Him and the management company were counting down the days till this guy died so they were off the hook and could charge a standard New York price of a gazzilion dollars a month for this place. Instead, they got OWNED by her when she Anna Nicole Smith'd this guy into getting married and getting his apt at the same fixed rate. I'm curious to see how it will play out, even though I don't see how they can evict her. Well played Sarah Berman, you raving lunatic, well played.

CHELSEA V WEST BROM 2-1

Still trying to figure out how this wasn't a handball


Its cliche but that was a textbook case of a tale of two halves. Two things I pointed out last week turned out to be in play vs West Brom. One being that Anelka played the whole game. Two, Villas-Boas had to be flexible with the formation. I thought for sure that if Anelka started, it meant Kalou was on the bench, but instead it was Flo who was on the bench. Like I said, it wasn't gonna take that long for AVB to realize that Kalou is best coming off the bench and it was good seeing him cut his losses by not waiting till halftime to make a change. I just don't think Kalou fits as a wide player. He had that nice run early on, but that was really it, he just kept getting sucked in to the middle. Honestly, not that he's such a terrible player, but after finally getting Juan Mata today, they should get what they can for Kalou and move on. He's not gonna be happy riding the pine and I just don't see how he's a better option coming off the bench than Flo, Anelka, Drogba and Sturridge when he gets back. Just send him to Arsenal so the games actually have a chance to be competitive. As for the formation change to the diamond when Flo came on, in my opinion, thats what they should stick with. I know that the go ahead goal was when they went back to a 4-3-3, but still, it was good to see AVB make the adjustments based on the pace of the game, which is what was needed. Sluggish start, but after the way the second half went, I can ignore the first.

Other notes:
-Hey...Alex, I know you want a long term deal and Chels won't give it to  you, but quit trying to throw the game bro, that turnover was brutal
-So Mikel didn't score, sue me. But Still had a solid game and had some good tackles. Gonna be interesting to see what the midfield is like with Mata on board as well as Romeu when he returns, but Mikel should still get some PT
-That son of a bitch Jonas Olsson deserved to have that deflected shot go off his leg. He got away with a blatant shoulder check in the box, without even going for the ball, on Anelka about 5min before the goal. Ball don't lie.

HOW'S YOUR SHIN, BRAH?

At least he's wearing shin guards..

MIKEL SCORING TODAY IS A FUCKING LOCK

With whats going on with JOM's father, it is a fucking GUARANTEED LOCK that he scores today. No doubt about it, you heard it here first.  Buddy is not gonna be fucking around

HOW IS THIS PICTURE IN THE MUSEUM OF BAD ART??

Daily Mail -"These hilarious paintings are so bad they've been given three dedicated galleries.. The pieces have been found in car boot sales, rubbish bins, or donated by astounded art critics.. The museum is the brain child of art dealer Scott Wilson, who in 1993 discovered his first piece of bad art chucked out with someone's trash. He picked up the painting, intending to chuck it out and keep the frame, but decided the picture was 'so bad it was good'" 

I don't get it, if they are "so bad, its good" wouldn't that make the paintings good? Some of the other paintings are kinda atrocious, but how does anyone think this picture with the cat and husky is bad? Very similar to the Monet-ish piece hanging up at the Lion and Eagle. And if the Lion and Eagle painting is bad art, then I don't wanna know what good art is

ONE OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S FINE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

"Rick Perry has come under fire for questioning evolution in a campaign chat with a young schoolboy - just a day after he expressed serious doubts about man-made global warning...'Evolution is a theory thats out there', Perry said while crouching down to speak to the boy. 'Its got some gaps in it, but in Texas we teach both creationism and evolution'. When the mother interjected, telling her son to 'ask him why he doesn't believe in science', Perry put his hands on the boys shoulders and said: 'Because I figured you're smart enough to figure out which one is right'".

I'm not the most political savvy person, so I'll ignore the whole evolution thing and Rick Perry's stance on it. But I did run for Vice President in 4th grade so I know a little something or two about running for office. I'll offer Rick Perry some advice: Don't back talk school children. Why? Cause then you're alienating a certain demographic known as "parents". You know, the people who vote for you? Oh and smooth answer with the "because I figured you're smart enough to figure out which one is right." Uhhh no, he isn't. He's fucking seven. Probably can't tie his shoes, yet alone give an educated opinion on evolution. Strong start to the campaign, Dick!

TRY AND TELL ME MESUT OZIL DOESN'T LOOK LIKE MR.G

Both games of the Spanish Super Cup were pretty exciting. There's usually 99% chance that there's gonna be a scrum at some point during the game or post game between Barca and Madrid. Especially when Barca has that goon for a backup keeper. But when they showed a Ozil for the first time, I knew he looked like someone familiar. At first I thought maybe a little like Jenna Marbles, but with no make up. But then it hit me that he's a dead ringer for Mr. G from Summer Heights High. Might as well be twins

NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN A COMFORTABLE TOILET SEAT

Daily Mail- They can bear weights up to 60 stone and at 19 inches wide, have a seating area 75% greater than standard ones. The £200 Big John seats are imported from America and sold by Derby-based Gordon Ellis& Co.- which said sales have doubled in the last two years as the number of overweight people skyrockets. Director Steven Evanson said: "People are getting bigger, wider and heavier. Why shouldn't they have a comfortable time when they go to the bathroom"

Nevermind the actual point of this story that people in britain are getting enormous and need bigger toilet seats. I've been to England, I've seen there lifestyle, I see what they call "bacon" and how much they eat of it for breakfast, not to mention the amount of "mash" that gets eaten. no shit they are getting fat. in fact, when my friends and I were in Stratford Upon Avon for the the day/night 6 years ago, a couple of us brought a soccer ball to this park right after we checked into our hotel. we were probably the first people to do anything athletic on there in decades. people were looking at us like we were lunatics.

The real issue I have with this story is the actual toilet seats themselves. The toilet guy says "..why shouldn't they have a comfortable time when they go to the bathroom". Yeah, excellent question, its a shame his company isnt helping. Look at the picture of the toilets The Sun uses. Look at them. Just like a perfect circle with no extra room towards the front. Easily the most uncomfortable looking toilet seat I've ever seen/used in my life.  Not to mention they measure from outside the seat to the other side, not the opening. The opening is what counts. These British toilets are like the size of a women's basketball. Which is actually fitting because its only really suitable for women because.. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY PENIS WHEN I SIT DOWN?? I'm being serious. what is the proper thing to do? just tuck it under the toilet seat and let it rest there? yeah uh, pass. not trying to have to wash my dick after every time i poop, cause lets face it, underneath a toilet seat isn't the cleanest place in the world. that means i can just prop it on top of the toilet seat, or hold it. again, toilets are probably slithering with germs, do i really want that on the most important organ of my body? fuck that. I'm convinced that this was probably another reason for the Revolutionary War. No taxation without representation and wildly uncomfortable and small toilet seats.

p.s. in regards to the picture "can withstand weights of 60st"..uhhh I'm thinking if you weigh 60 stone, or   840 pounds, the toilet seat holding your weight isn't your biggest problem. just a hunch

CHAZ BONO KILLING THE NECK BEARD

"Two years after starting his gender reassignment process, Chaz Bono appears to have completely made the transition from female to male. He was snapped sporting a new beard as he ran errands around Los Angeles..The 42 year-old looked all man with his facial hair and short cropped hair as he filled up his car."

Well first of all, I'll just ignore the overall story with Chaz Bono. He was woman, now he's a man, I don't really know what the hell is going on, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do, so whatever. But what is with the beard Chaz? I mean who you trying to fool here bro?  Now I'm not Bill Nye or anything, but something tells me that even if you stitch a penis on to your body, it isn't gonna help you grow a beard, especially on your 3rd and 4th chins and it definitely won't make you look manly if you're sporting facial hair like you just hit puberty. Clean it up Chaz

GETTING THIS ELI MANNING STORY OUT OF THE WAY

ESPN -"I consider myself in that class. And Tom Brady is a great quarterback, he's a great player, and what you've seen with him is that he's gotten better every year. He started off winning championships and I think he's a better quarterback now than what he was, in all honesty, when he was winning those championships." 

I'm not even gonna justify this article other than by..HAHAHAHAHAH

p.s. glad to know even Eli knows Brady is in a class of his own, hence no mention of his loser brother in "Brady's class"

YEAH I FEEL BAD FOR CARSON PALMER..NOT

ESPN- For those who don't have incredible vision like me, the little summary under the headline says "Carson Palmer's future rests in the palm of Bengals owner Mike Brown. Now don't you feel a little better about your own life?"....Uhh is Rick Reilly serious right now? Nevermind that he thinks I should feel bad for Carson Palmer cause he plays in the NFL and has multi-millions of dollars and security for life but is on a bad team. A team that he decided he wanted to sign a long term contract with for 100+million dollars. But "don't you feel a little better about your own life?" Why because Palmer doesn't like his boss? fuck.that.shit. I'm 24 and just moved form New York City back home with my parents in Boca Raton. The two weeks I've been home, I've been asked by 100,000 times what my "plan" for life is. My mom lost in Majong tonight and came home taking it out on me cause I ate one of the last fudgesicles. in the last 30 minutes, she has said goodnight to me twice, both times she's gone into her room then back to turning all the lights on in the house to do chores, while I'm trying to sneak outside to burn. You catching my drift? I'll take Carson Palmer's situation over mine right now 12 times out of 10. I skimmed the article, which I can only describe as asinine. Not surprised this pussy doesn't allow comments on his columns. I wouldn't want 1000 people telling me how shitty my writing is either if I were him.

p.s. How can anyone think Mike Brown is in the wrong here?

YOUNG PEOPLE HATE THE STOP AND CHAT

Daily News- "Its good to talk- but when some mobile owners feel that it isn't, they're staging fake calls to avoid speaking to people around them. A survey found that 13% of those who own a mobile phone resorted to this tactic rather than talk to somebody near by. That figure gets dialed up to 30 percent for the 18-29 year old age range and down to six percent for those between 50 and 64.."


When I saw the headline, I thought for sure the number was gonna be way higher than just 13%. Yeah, its 30% for people between 18-29 but even then 30% seems too low. I think I use this tactic about 60%. If you asked me the number of times I've "texted" someone while I was walking in an area where I knew someone but didn't want to talk, the number jumps to 80%. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking and I don't have the balls to pull a Larry David yet and just walk right by them without stopping. It is kinda hilarious that the number is only six for older people. They HAVE to talk to EVERYONE. I think my mother knows every single persons name at publix and not only their name, but probably their shifts too

BARCELONA BITCH SLAP ARSENAL AND GET FABREGAS FOR £10MILL LESS THAN ARSENAL WANTED

"Cesc Fabregas has ended one of the longest running transfer sagas in English football by completing a move from Arsenal to Barcelona. Fabregas has signed a five-year deal with his hometown club with his buyout clause set at €200million..Despite assertions throughout the summer from Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger that Fabregas would be staying in London, the Gunners have finally relented and agreed a deal that does not meet reach their intended £40million. Barca President Sandro Rosell said on Sunday night that the deal would be worth a guaranteed £29million with a further £10million depending on clauses being met.."

The big story here isn't really about Fabregas moving to Barca cause that was a given. But its more about how pathetic Arsenal keeps looking when it comes to shit like this. Its a joke! I got a close friend who is a die-hard Arsenal supporter, he's happy Fabregas is gone, which I don't blame him. Why have a player who is willing to give up money Arsenal owes him just to leave? But after digging their heels in over not transferring him, then saying nothing less than £40mill, then giving in for £11million less? Hilarious. All that stubborness and tough talk for nothing. Just like their season the last few years. All talk.  The problem is they keep bringing in foreign players who realize they either want to play at different, "bigger" clubs or go back to whatever big club team from their country. They need guys like Ramsey and Wilshire to step up, have Englishmen be the back bone of their team. Not be worried about guys who are from Barcelona that you know eventually want to go back to Barca. Chelsea has Terry, Lampard, and Cole. United has a ton of English stars, Liverpool brought on Carroll and Adam, when they already had Gerrard. But at least it looks like Arsenal is starting to get a clue about players who don't want to be there

CHELSEA @ STOKE CITY 0-0

"You cool with just playing 15min?"

From the start, going to Stoke was a perfect matchup for the teams first game and for Villa-Boas as well (turned out to be a good lesson for him too, as we found out from his comments after the match). Stoke certainly isn't a Champions League team but certainly a tough enough opponent, especially at home, that they'd give Chelsea a good wake up call to the season.

As for the actual game, I thought they played well. Obviously football is a sport where you can nitpick at anything if you don't get a positive result (actually all sports are like that), but with 20 shots on net, they did everything but score. Those early set pieces for Stoke looked like they gave them some confidence to build for the defense, which doesn't look like its declining anytime soon. Certainly a lot of possession, but just no good chances, in the first half, to put it in the net besides a solid Ramires run into the box. The second half they definitely asserted themselves offensively and started putting some real pressure on them, but again couldn't score, even hitting the post as well. One thing thats obvious and thats been talked about since the game ended is the lack of creativity in the midfield. I thought Mikel played well (especially after reading about what happened to his to his father on Friday night) and Ramires, notably with that run I mentioned above, played solid too. So the defense in mid doesn't look like an issue. I'm not sure what to make of Super Frank though. I thought he was taken down in the box, thats for sure, but he just seems so blahhh out there. Doesn't really make himself stand out anymore. I still think he has a lot to offer, but he just is too shoot/score first for me. He gets the ball and mostly one,two touches then passes to get himself in better position to score or make a run, which I guess is fine, but he needs to be concerned with getting the guys up top the ball where they need it. Especially for the style AVB wants to play. Speaking of AVB, I thought the lineup he put out was solid and not many surprises. I think eventually someone will learn their lesson with Kalou and realize that you cant count on him to give a consistent 60-70 minutes. Letting him start in the first game to see what he can do is fine, but waiting 75 minutes to replace him with Drogba?? What was the hold up there? It was obvious after 20minutes he was the bad Kalou, and at least he should have come off before Flo. I thought in the 30ish minutes Anelka played showed he should be out there in that wing role, he's got a good blend of finishing instinct and midfield creativity. Torres showed that him getting the start was no mistake, but Didier has to be worked in the mix sooner in a game where you need someone to finish. Overall, for an opening day game at the FA Cup runners up, I thought it was a good start. Looking forward to opening day at The Bridge this Saturday

Couple other notes:

--I always like seeing coaches from idle teams at other games, like Roberto Mancini being at the Chelsea game. But what the fuck was he wearing?? Guy had on like two button downs, a vest, a jacket and a fucking scarf. I've only been to England once when I was 18, but I'm pretty sure its not 30 degrees in August. Just by that alone, I'm dismissing City as a contender this season on all fronts.
--Why do I still hear shit about Neymar?? The logic in sending £40mill to get him, after spending the money on my boy Lukaku, is absolutely asinine. People think American sports media is harsh, these English are brutal rumor starters
--One thing I'll never understand is coaches who want the team to play THEIR system, and not develop a system around the players on the squad. I'm not really basing this from anything yesterday, but in terms of having the right personnel on the field, maybe the current players arent suited best for the 4-3-3. It just seems forced and making lineup and roster adjustments more difficult and complex. I think there needs to be some flexibility to make it work

FINALLY LUKAKU

Chelsea have won the race for £20million-rated sensation Romelu Lukaku. The teen whiz is set for a medical at Stamford Bridge after the blues prised him away from Anderlecht. Lukaku, who had been a target for Arsenal, hit the headlines when he topped the Belgian scoring charts aged just 16. A blues spokesman said: 'An agreement has been reached with Anderlecht for the transfer to Chelsea of striker Romelu Lukaku. The move is now subject to the player passing medical and agreeing personal. 

Bout time. I've waited about 7 months for them to finally sign him and not really sure what took so long. I've already planned to name my first two dogs Dider and Romelu and that wouldn't be possible if they let him some how slip to Arsenal which is a fucking joke to even think about. Just wouldn't have ever happened. One, because Lukaku only wants to play for Chelsea. And two, even if he did, he'd realize after a season what a dead end Arsenal is. From a roster perspective for Chelsea, I think its a perfect fit. It was already going to be interesting to see what Villa Boas was going to do personnel wise, now its even more interesting. I don't think anyone is expecting Lukaku to come in and dominate this season and be a first team regular, but in terms of the future, this is the perfect young player to pick up. Has the size, speed, and power that you need in a Premier League striker (certainly more than Neymar). With Anelka sure to leave next season and Drogba probably with two more years left in him, Lukaku will have plenty of time to adjust and be ready to do work next season. 

P.S. If Villa-Boas had any balls he'd try and swap Torres for Sneijder..just sayin

MR.BEAN LOVES CRASHING CARS

"..Legend Rowan Atkinson cheated death last night after crashing his £650,000 supercar..The Mr. Bean comic, 56, was in his McLaren F1 motor when it spun three times, ran into a tree then lamppost..The front of the McLaren was damaged in a previous collision with a Rover Metro in October 1999..In 2001 his Aston Martin V8 Zagato collided with a barrier at a car enthusiasts' meeting in Yorkshire..And in 2009 a romantic night out went up in smoke when his 1952 Jaguar racing car burst into flames."

This is pretty random, but I fucking hate the Mr.Bean movies and that stupid fucking character so bad, that I at least had to put this out there. I'm actually not sure if I'm more surprised that he can actually afford a car like that, or that people actually think he's funny enough to keep giving him work. What I'm not surprised at, is that he keeps crashing these expensive cars, cause if he drives anything like how he acts in Mr.Bean, he's got a few more collisions ahead of him

BITCH IS NO JOKE WHEN IT COMES TO GOLD DIGGING

"A widow charged in her husband's murder has admitted she married the man 16 years her senior for his money, only to find out he was a con artist, police have revealed..Raelynne Simonin, 23, is charged with accessory after the fact in the shooting death of 6'9 Jack Vincent Perselley..Simonin is in jail in Pinal County, Arizona, after she drove there following the murder to tell police she had been kidnapped and raped by the men who killed her husband..after being questioned by police for more than an hour, she recanted that story and admitted she made the 18-hour journey to speak to Purselley's father about his son's $1million life insurance policy.. she moved from Arizona to Oklahoma because he told her she was the beneficiary of the policy..Purselley, who weighed 600 pounds and on disability, was wanted on warrants out of Arizona, accused of conning people..Simonin told deputies she began to suspect her husband was not wealthy when debt collectors began hounding them.."

Where do I start? I mean obviously a man is dead, so thats not cool. But there is some serious unintentional comedy in this story. First off, I reeeaaalllllyyyyyy, reallllyyyy, really want to know how these two met. Cause as far as I know, usually anyone over 500 pounds is stuck in their house like the mom from "whats eating gilbert grape" and just never goes anywhere. When they did meet, I would have loved to be have been a fly on the wall to hear the conversation where this guy dropped the "I got a $1million life insurance policy" line on her and convince her that he's a wealthy man. I mean lady, the guy is 600 pounds..600. You're just gonna look past this guys grotesque fatness and just fall for his "i'm rich" schtick hook, line, and sinker? I do have to give her props though, cause while she claims she didn't know her cronies would kill the guy, when she realized he wasn't rich, she knew there was no other option for her besides to put a gun to this guys face and tell him she's leaving. its gold digging 101. No money? fine, gun to the face and I'm out

JG MELON, CARMINES, KATZ'S, SIDEWALK TRASH

These are New Yorks "freegans", who enjoy the worlds cheapest barbecues, having scavenged their food solely from dustbins. Freeganism, which began in the mid-1990s, is an anti-consumerist lifestyle where people employ alternative living strategies- and these New Yorkers showed how to have a free summer feast. The big apple members- many of whom have high-earning jobs by day- spend their nights bin diving to collect fresh produce discarded by cafes and supermarkets.." 

The big reason that I've taken 4 days off between posts is that I moved from NYC back to Boca on Monday. My brother, Brett "Jimmie Johnson" Tartarkin, got us home from the city, in about 16.5 hours (with help from me Tony Stewart'ing South Carolina in about 2 and a half hours) on Monday and I've been getting settled. 

So this morning when I decided to see if there was anything juicy to write about, I went to my bread and butter, The Daily Mail, and saw this fucking gem. One of the things I won't miss about New York is walking to the subway at 8am and gagging and dry heaving over how fucking bad some of the corners smelled cause of trash. like, why is there white/green water pooled up along the curb? why does it smell like sweating, spoiled trash? So its astonishing that people would not only live this way, but also come up some bullshit hipster name for their gross trash eating clan.  Cause you can slice it anyway you want and tell yourself its fresh, saving money, or that you're "rescuing the food", but you're still eating trash. I dont care if the chef at Carmines brings a fresh chicken scarp out to the curb. the second that plate touches the street, its garbage. 

As for Miss Rosin saying "..its about preparing the food together, cooking the food together, eating together and cleaning up together", uhhh here's an idea. gather up all the trash feeders you're friends with, go to costco and buy IN BULK all the shit you want for like $4 a person and eat clean, fresh, un-trashed food. I'd say thats a pretty reasonable alternative to eating New York City garbage